Oh, the coaster-like days

"Mom, to hide the bomb bird, Oliver stuck it in his pants."

Ol: "Where is it?"

J: "In your butt!"

Hahahahhahahahah.

"Mom, Jack tried to touch his pwivate awea to my eye!"

"I DID NOT. YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME!"

Friends, I am today quite tired. Of that sort of dialogue and sibling rivalry and of having to manage those things atop the rest of life. A life I very much want to engage in and enjoy, by the way.

The meeting that ran an hour over today but was really inspiring. Writing a letter of reference for my dear housekeeper, Imelda, because she's finally gotten word that at the later stages of the citizenship process, letters will help. Finally! Walking Percy so as to tend to him and avoid house pee. Slowest.walking-dog.ever. Ordering holiday cards while the coupon is still valid. I love holiday cards. Shopping for tomorrow's third grade potluck dinner. Packing for Percy to sleep over with friends. Visiting with a friend I don't see enough and who had good news. Making the time to be present and really share in her good news. Attempting to corral the boys' ludicrous afterschool energy so that I could actually hear her good news. Making good on the second Friday Family Party by building and lighting a fire, serving dinner in front of and continually stoking and keeping children out of said fire. Attending to important questions via email because yes, although my parents association job is a volunteer one, I take it seriously and want to. Starting dessert for tomorrow's potluck. Ask-forcing children to dust-bust the explosion of corn chips that now litter the floor which was just vacuumed. Telling them for a second and third time that while they might feel the chips are picked up, I -because my mom-eyes work- can actually see about one pound still on the floor. Go back. Do it again. If you did it right the first time this wouldn't be a thing. Telling my oldest that I spoke to one of the moms of the girl he wants to have over for a playdate; she can come. Feeling immense pride in him and hope for the future in general when he responded, "Two Moms?" Me: "Yep." J: "No Dads?" Me: "Nope." J: "Ok, like X has two dads and Y has two moms? Great. When's our playdate? She LOVES Minecraft too!" Pouring a fresh glass of wine and giving up on the fire as well as T making it home before bedtime. Toasting and husking the hazelnuts for tomorrow's dessert. Remembering to flip the frozen pizza crust for a quicker thaw. Trying to steal three minutes to read the newest Ebola headline and grieve for the families who continue to lose so much. Submitting work for Sunday's writing class. Wondering if it was wrong to tell kids the title of the song, Fat Bottomed Girls, when it came on during the Joan Jett playlist during family party, and I declared it one of my favorites. Remembering that The Imitation Game (Benedict as Alan Turing, y'all) opens soon!

Considering again the gulf there sometimes seems to be between "Dream big, women! You can do anything!" and the realities of having committed, albeit happily, to being an at-home parent. Wondering if that messaging is both inspiring (it is) and somewhat impossible (me thinks it also is); if both (seems to be), what are the implications of that very mixed message to women as they enter into careers and motherhood?

Women in America are often taught to reach for the stars. But doing so is often, ultimately, realized to be a choice rather than an all. Those who don't have and can't afford child care, those whose children have special needs, those who want to parent well and also remain in the workforce, those who choose to stay at home but truly had no idea just how little time would be left for their selves... The slow realization of the ways in which the laudable claim of having it all isn't going to be entirely possible for them/me can be difficult to accept, even if they're/I am ultimately very happy with where and who they are/I am.

Did y'all read that recent HuffPo Parents piece, The Default Parent (by M.Blazoned), that went viral? One cursory read and I knew immediately why that bit's been "Liked" 425,000+ times and shared by more than 81,000. Because it strikes a chord, no matter how happily married and/or mothering you are.

When I read it, I was home with a sick baby, tired as balls, bleeding profusely from not one but both nostrils (I had a cold and had blown one too many), trying to get J to school on time and help him with his homework later while keeping Ol's fevers at bay. Tom works hard and long, the cat had a leaky UTI, the house was a mess and I was canceling stuff left and right. Again.

I am most definitely the default parent, and although I enthusiastically chose stay-at-home motherhood, I do sometimes wonder just how I got there. Here. What happened?

I've had several of those Twilight Zone experiences over the 8+ years since my oldest was born. The first that I clearly remember was at a nursery school Back to School Night. Sitting in the auditorium listening to teachers talk about our tots' early childhood development, I remember thinking, "Wait, what? I'm so young. Am I really at a pre-school event? Aren't I going out with friends later?" It was totally surreal for a few minutes until I realized that yes, I was still 32 and happily in the right spot.

That sort of dissonance continues to trip me up periodically. Sometimes it makes for a good chuckle, and other times it plunges me into a state of frustration and sadness because I realize anew that for years now, and likely for years to come, my own life and my own dreams aren't primary. The non-momwife me lives and dreams in tiny spaces carved out during the day or week not filled with parenting.

Would I feel better if I weren't the one wiping Ol's steaming forehead and tummy with cold washcloths night after night? Not at all. Am I grateful that even though Jack argues with me about his homework, sometimes screams that he hates me and later apologizes with teary eyes and a big hug, that I'm the one on the receiving end? Yes.

BUT, and this is where too many people lose the nuance in this conversation, my "No" and "Yes" don't mean that I don't miss, terribly, time for me. I can be both happy and sad, grateful and frustrated, bored and excited. Indeed, those are the poles in between which lies a hell of a lot of gray space. That's where life is really lived. It's not always easy or happy or smooth, and to pour platitudinous chicken soup on top of people struggling to live and express themselves authentically is just not nice.

What's easy for some is desperately hard for others. We get this in terms of varying academic and athletic abilities, but we don't seem to be able to apply the same sense of open-minded understanding to women who find motherhood less than completely fulfilling. I find it overly simplistic and, in fact, offensive when I hear of parents being told things like, "Love the life you have! Be grateful for everything good! This time is so fleeting- how can you not love and appreciate every moment?!" Those comments never ring as remotely true or comforting to me. They seem like superficial, obnoxious slaps in the face.

Bottom line is that I think many at-home parents feel vexed. They feel simultaneously grateful and WTF?! They wanted to preference kids over else but didn't realize what that might feel like. Or, if they're like me, parenthood enabled them to realize their truest passion. And if, like me, you now feel a little stuck, like "thank you for helping me realize myself but wow, it's painful to now have to put self on the back burner for two decades," you might feel real tired sometimes.

Some may read this as a complaint, as many of the comments following M.Blazoned's excellent essay on Default Parenting suggest hers was read. But a different, and in my opinion more accurate, perspective is to instead acknowledge that the rosy ways in which most of society talks about motherhood and its joys does a disservice to many parents by NOT sharing the very real and constant ways that parenthood is sometimes impossibly hard. It is unending, often exhausting, frequently stressful. Add any of the innumerable challenges that come on top of typical developmental stuff, and parenting is that much harder.

I'm just saying and processing and sharing. Off to -happily- make a ganache!

Interview with Phil Lempert: food trends 2015

Food trends for 2015

Last month, I was approached by a colleague of Phil Lempert; would I be interested in interviewing him about food trends in the coming year? If you are unfamiliar with Lempert, he is the food trends expert for NBC's Today Show and also appears on a monthly basis on The View. This seemed like an intriguing opportunity so I enthusiastically scheduled a date for last Thursday, November 6.

The information provided to me prior to our talk was informative. Looking ahead to 2015, Lempert predicts that smoked foods will not go slowly but, rather, continue to play an important role in foods prepared by both home cooks and professional chefs and show up in new and unexpected ways like flavor-infused butters and cocktails. I was happy to hear this because smoked foods provide such a complexity, sometimes an element of je ne sais quoi that brings a dish to greater heights.

Additionally, the fermented food celebration seems to have not yet waned. Sauerkraut, pickles, kimchi everywhere? Lempert sees this trend continuing full steam ahead as the new year rolls in. This is a good thing, as fermented foods contain many a beneficial bacteria which is marvelous for optimal digestive health.

Lempert also looks forward to rural areas being better serviced by online/same-day grocery store delivery. I hope the same is true for poor urban areas considered food deserts as everyone deserves the opportunity to purchase (with cash or WIC resources) and have available, fresh, healthy, non-processed food. That said, I feel there is something invaluable about shopping regularly- about seeing what is in season when, for touching the food, choosing the head of broccoli that sings loudest to you. I definitely come from one end of the spectrum -consumers who can shop regularly and want to- but I think that distancing ourselves from food, as it is grown, harvested and sold, has been to our detriment in many ways.

Phil Lempert interview questions

But back to the interview. Phil and I had fewer than ten minutes to chat, so I knew I needed to keep my questions few and flowing. I decided on three, and off we went.

1) Em-i-lis: With recent attempts to ban sodas and in light of studies on childhood and adult obesity rates, do you see a mass move away from processed foods? Any legislation moving in this way?

Phil replied that what we're seeing from supermarkets and food companies alike is increased dialogue with consumers. We've seen them remove certain ingredients -sodium, for example, replaced with red wine, or reduced fat, replaced by apple- based on customer feedback. Consumers are reading labels more thoroughly than ever before, and they're looking for ingredient and nutritional infomration that they want. In the case of pasta sauce, for example, consumers are purchasing Hunt's Crushed Tomatoes and then adding a splash of olive oil and such so that they're not getting the added sugars or extra sodium.

E: A consumer concern is that labels can still be misleading, for example, all-natural, which really means nothing.. Do you see additional oversight, by the FDA for example, so that labels are more accurate?

PL: You're 100% correct about all-natural. There is no federal guideline for that. I do think there will be some federal regulation on that... Everything that we need to know, basically, is in the label. You need to look at the nutritional facts and ingredients labels and then determine if that product is right for you.

2) E: There is a trust issue, and that really leads into my next question which is about the organic/local movement. It certainly has its detractors, not least those who feel it's only something folks of enough means can access/care about, but I really believe that there's something to be said for voting with your fork and in terms of which foods are subsidized and which aren't. That makes a difference in terms of what people can afford. Will we see greater accessibility to purer foods that are also more affordable?

PL:  Let's separate organic and local for a second. No question, when you get fresh fruits and veggies that are local, they have more nutrients and flavor. But the reality is, if you live in the middle of the country, you don't have as many fresh options as folks in California, say. A lot of food is flown, 3,000 or 4,000 miles, to its destination. So what we're seeing is the growth of bio-regions; foods are grown in the parts of the country where they thrive. An example is Hunt's tomatoes, which are grown just in California. There's a move from local to locale. For example, Marie Callender's- all their berries come from North America or Oregon, and that's right on the label. People are really looking for that.

When it comes to organic, let's not forget that there's no research out there that says that organics are any more nutritious than conventionally grown foods. You might choose organics for different reasons but from a health and nutrition standpoint, there's no difference which is why we're starting to see that pullback by consumers who aren't willing to pay that extra 10, 20, 50% premium for organic. You want to pick and choose. I would never buy an organic banana because of the thick skin. I would buy organic raspberries because they're so porous. I think we're seeing consumers getting smarter about what they buy organic and what they buy conventional.

3) E: That leads in nicely to my third point. I believe that one of the most important things about organic is what it signifies for the welfare  of the land and climate and animals that are producing many of these things. Do you see a turn away from factory-farmed meat towards more natural ways, away from feedlots toward more natural ways?

PL: We have to understand that we've got a lot of people on this planet. Lots of these practices came about because we need to feed many people affordably. Not everyone can afford $30 for a steak. So we have to look at a balance in terms of our food supply. Some people want to buy a steak for $30 and others want to buy ground beef for $2.99. A supermarket's job is to provide both. And we're seeing a very positive response from consumers with regards to markets providing a wide range of products. Taste is #1, affordability is #2, in terms of consumer priorities.

And so...

Brief but interesting. Though Lempert is not a policy wonk, I just had to ask about the future of the meat industry because that sector of agriculture has so many implications for the health of our land and animals. He's absolutely right that not everyone can or wants to pay $30 a pound for filet mignon but I suspect a growing number of folks also don't want to purchase truly substandard hamburger meat. We have many to feed, an intimidating fact that we must reckon with. Degrading the land is not the answer. Making healthful food affordable is very much part of the necessary salve.

I'm glad that markets are talking with and allowing themselves to be influenced by their consumers. That's really my entire point about voting with our forks. We do deserve to know where our food comes from and what was used to grow it. We deserve to know on whose backs the labor fell and if they were paid a living wage in doing so.

Industry has to listen if their customers demand different, or else. So, it makes me hopeful that Marie Callender's and Hunt's hear that people care and change their products accordingly. Even baby steps can usher in grand changes.

Various and sundry things like nephews and poo

Nephews

First, how precious is my little nephew? I will meet him in less than two weeks, and though getting out of town for my longest-ever trip away from the boys feels both Herculean and vaguely unsettling, this nugget is waiting for me on the other side.

Friends and the interwebs

Yesterday, I was at school picking the boys up when I saw a friend, P. Each time we run into each other, I leave feeling like I wish I knew her better. She is funny and sweet, but the five children we have between us never cross paths due to different grades, activities and the like. Last year, Oliver became fixated on P's youngest son's winter hat because it had a pull-cord which moved the top. Or something like that. I was hopeful the hat-covet would facilitate coffee or a playdate, and it nearly did. But then... winter. And eleven snow days or some such nonsense.

Anyway, yesterday we ended up having another hilarious conversation -the kind after which you think, "Just how did we get there?"- about online shopping for fashionable things, and I admitted that perusing Gilt after a glass of wine was a dangerous vice of mine and thank god for returns.

P replied, "Oh, when I broke my leg last year, I shopped while on Vicodin. A few days into things, a pair of thigh-high, brown velour stockings arrived at my house."

"What on earth would you do with those?" I inquired.

"I don't know, but what really bothered me was that I'd not bought them in black."

I snorted. Fair enough.

We parted ways, laughing and probably newly jazzed about all that awaited us out there on the interwebs, and I felt grateful for carpool because we do see each other there.

The 'always a bummer' category

I finally got dressed earlier this evening, because I'd been in exercise clothes all day, needed to take J somewhere and really wanted to experience real clothes on this fine Wednesday. You can tell that fall is hanging on by a thread. Winter is a'comin' and I wanted to take advantage of a coatless afternoon. When we returned home, I hurried upstairs to change (because really, once home, if you don't change out of nice clothes, all you're really doing is taking bets with whether you'll go to the dry cleaner tomorrow or the next day), slipped one silver flat off, returned it to its spot, slipped the other one off and wondered, "Hmm, why is that slimy?"

People, dog poo is why. Dog poo. I feel that moms should be exempt from stepping in dog poo and then putting their hand directly in it.

Say what?

Speaking of moms and exemptions, this. Yesterday, I had a babysitter for a couple hours so went out to AROMO to get some work done. It had not been the easiest of afternoons so I went out there with hot tea, glee and my computer. I deserve this space. I deserve for it to be quiet. I do deserve solitude at times. And what happened within the hour? One of my sons came outside, stood behind AROMO and repeatedly elbowed the very wall at which I sat. I demanded to know just what he was doing, and he replied, "I want to be by myself."

Puh-lease. If being alone is what he wanted, try his room or at least the other side of the yard.

Not twenty minutes later, number 2 is outside, rustling around AROMO and then I hear a familiar sounding whizz. Yes, he is peeing behind or against MY WALL. For a very long time might I add.

"What are you doing?"

"This is one of our pee spots, Mom."

WTF?!