Two things I want to show you; long car trip finally over

We left our home at 10:30 this morning and brought our suitcases up the North Carolina house stairs at 8:15 tonight. Mother of bizness- that is too long in a car.

Thank goodness for the Stuart Gibbs book on tape we had (Space Case; very enjoyable, even for adults) , iPads, and that random Target we found somewhere in Virginia. Horrible traffic on 95S and I had the worst case of motion sickness I've had in ages. Target provided me Dramamine which knocked me out but did cure the vomitous nausea. 

In any case, we are here now, the boys are tucked in, the rest of T's family arrives tomorrow, and our fourth -fifth?- annual beach week has commenced. 

Such a pretty evening

I read this BuzzFeed list of Scottish tweets back to Donald Trump post Brexit and laughed so hard, for so long that I nearly passed out. As such, I feel it would be terribly remiss of me not to share in case you haven't seen it and to urge you to read and snort uproariously one or eleven times. 

I mean, "@realDonaldTrump SCOTLAND VOTED TO STAY, YOU WITLESS FUCKING COCKSPLAT."? Hilarious!

Secondly, during today's interminable drive, we also listened to a great NPR podcast from Invisibilia. Called The New Norm, the show was about invisible emotional structures that dictate and/or influence individual behaviors in public. 

Two stories were embedded in the overall feature: one about opening the first McDonald's in Moscow and how difficult it was to convince the employees to adopt the very American greet-with-a-smile customer service; and the other, the one to which I want to draw your attention, about one rig foreman's attempt to change the rigidly Southern-masculine personas Louisiana and Mississippi oilmen often constrict themselves by. FASCINATING! Do yourself a favor, and listen to this. 

The dark side and the light, in sleepovers, Star Wars and politics

It can be utterly hilarious to eavesdrop on little kids’ conversations. Last night, for the first time, each of the boys had a friend sleep over, and not five minutes in I heard,

“H, anus is the scientific word for butthole.”
“Oh!”
HAHAHAHHAHA.

This morning, H and O had an indecipherable conversation that involved banter like…

“You are a woman, a woman!”
“Come down, woman!”

Meanwhile, the news broke that J and W stayed up until 11 playing Scrabble and now have grand plans to write a book about the “bestest” worst grammar possible.

There were zero qualms about sharing beds but enormous strategy involved in who would change into pajamas where. And what did happen to the toothpaste cap when it fell down the sink drain? And just how many brownies can little boys eat?

I think my favorite thing was watching the big boys play so nicely with the little ones. I’m not going to go so far as to say tender, but they were totally welcoming: “Oh yes, play light sabers with us, but beware because we will beat the tar out of you just the same as we will each other.”

I’ve witnessed this sort of caring interaction even more than usual lately because of all the school holiday concerts, parties and times of togetherness. In each I’ve seen so much difference –race, creed, age- literally hold hands and celebrate the varied beauty we all have. It gives me hope.

Which I need and appreciate because if one’s only hope barometer were American politics, you’d see little beyond imminent destruction and horror.

The fear, lies, and loathing being spouted so carelessly by every single person running for the Republican presidential nomination as well as by way too many of the Americans who support them are grotesque. Isolationist. Short-sighted. Just plain mean.

The whole spectacle is mortifying. And disillusioning. And sad.

It is completely antithetical to the true ideals of this country, to what we should be striving for, to what we need to be teaching and modeling for our kids, to the variegated populace that calls America home.

I find myself deeply confused by the judgmental hate out there. Truly, I don’t understand. When people scream about banning Muslims from entering our country, are they actively ignoring/disavowing the many wonderful Muslim families currently in our communities? Or the acts of terrorism perpetrated here by white supremacists and extremist Christians? Do they choose not to look toward the Middle East and see what happens when two sides dig their heels in and teach nothing but hate generation after generation?

I think so, because if they're aware of fundamentalist Muslim acts of violence, then surely they've not missed the news that (white) Dylann Roof shot up a black church and a (white) lunatic religious fanatic shot up a Planned Parenthood or the on-loop massacres between Jews and Muslims in Israel and its neighbors.

Can’t we agree that ALL such acts are horrifying? Despicable? Worthy of seething disdain? The problem is fundamentalism of all stripes. Peace lies in the middle, in that gray space of nuance and the willingness to accept difference and, at the least, simply deal with it.

I’m not talking about relativism which is a horror in its own right. Not everything is OK. Not even close. And I, too, am sick of crazy, ISIS-supporting Muslims, like all sane people are. Including the majority of Muslims worldwide, by the way.

In the U.S., we have many freedoms, of religion and speech to name a couple important ones, and I’m nearly stark-raving mad over all the selective kindness and acceptance going on right now. You can dislike something and still just kinda keep that to yourself if it's not endangering the country. Hypocrisy is ugly, people. It's tiring and often offensive.

Also, it’s OK to want to ban an entire religious group but it’s not OK to put any restrictions on guns? Nope. That is not only statistical ignorance but also bigotry, plain and simple. The people who want to both ban Muslims and welcome guns everywhere are myopic, choosing to see only see what they know and/or prefer. And the way that’s taking shape in the Republican presidential-contender realm is gun-obsessed, Christian whiteness, as far as the eyes can see. #notrepresentative

Do you think I want to pay so much in taxes? I do not. But I do it because A) it’s the law and B) it’s for the greater good. Everyone should be able to drive on paved roads and have access to public schools and transportation, bridges that don’t collapse, police- and firemen who come in times of need.

That’s civics, people. Which is part of our country’s democracy. As is welcoming people in need and whose diverse backgrounds make us stronger, richer, more interesting, better (or even people like Melania Trump who, as far as I can tell, is lovely but adds nothing other than lovely wife'iness to the U.S.). As in restricting gun purchases in the same way we do driver’s licenses.

When kids don’t grow up valuing and celebrating diversity of all sorts, it’s only the adults who are to blame. Parents, teachers, politicians, public figures. Their behavior is what kids watch and emulate. It’s a job, y’all. A big one. But it’s so empowering because it means we can teach away from hate and small-mindedness. Towards global community and appreciation. There is plenty of room for conservatism in there. 

I enjoyed three separate holiday concerts at the kids’ school during the past two weeks. During each, Jewish kids sang Kwanzaa songs, and Muslim kids sang Christmas songs, and white kids sang African hymns, and everyone sang Winter songs. Their voices ranged from shaky to angelic, their hands from jazzy to tightly clasped around one another’s.

And it was magnificent. It moved me to tears both because of the hope and beauty within but also because I’m not so naïve to realize that it’s not somewhat a bubble. It’s not the norm, and my heart hurts for that fact.

Today, after the boys’ buddies left (and we realized just how sleep-deprived and insane the kids we had to spend the rest of the day with were), the four of us went to see Star Wars. Jack wore his Jedi pants and brought a light saber, and both wore a Darth Vader shirt. Tom and I were as excited as were they.

Oliver focused, as usual, solely on his food

As the opening rolled, I got goose bumps and sat a little taller in my chair. I reached for Ol’s hand and held it tight.

And during the two-plus hours of the film (quite good; not amazing; infinitely better than the horrific three prequels), I thought about how very much like the real world Star Wars actually is, minus the intergalactic magic and such. Except the best values and the best team really does come out on top.

It deals with the same concepts of evil and good, fear and tolerance. It values loyalty over sameness, ability over gender or racial likeness. There are real life lessons in there, and one is left with hope.

We can have that in real life too. We simply need to choose the light and cast the dark aside.

The world spins and spins

“Mom, does ISIS mean Islamic State in Iraq and Syria? Do Iraq and Iran fight a lot even though their names are so similar? Some of my friends said today that they were scared that because of their heritage and religion, they might be attacked. Or not liked.”

Such are the thoughts of many a child today. These came from Jack, a few days back, and I tried my best to answer his direct questions as well as those that emerged during our conversation.

As we talked, I felt such great responsibility. I saw how easy it would be to share too much, to inadvertently generalize, to gloss over his concerns, to assume he couldn’t understand or wouldn’t.

It seemed fitting that our electricity had gone out. That Oliver was fast asleep, Tom at work, the pets snoring. It was just Jack and me and a flashlight, snuggled and warm in his sweet little bed.

I am a big believer in sharing age-appropriate information about most any subject with my kids. I shield them from graphic footage and glaring headlines, but in what I hope are the right ways, I do keep them apprised of current events and facts about maturation because I don’t believe in cocooning them unrealistically. They’re getting to the ages at which if I don’t tell them, others will, and I’d like to have first pass at the narratives they hear and the subsequent senses they’ll make of the world.

This world.

It is full of so many treasures. Beauty beyond our imaginations. Riches beyond our dreams. Promise is everywhere. In the perennial flowers that never disappoint, that foil the destructive whims of even the harshest winters. Animals of the most decadent plumage, valleys, peaks and horizons that will render cynics breathless. History, invention, cures, heroes. Flight, childbirth, springtime, kindness. Jazz, great cities, flan, free long distance calls.

A yeasted loaf of bread rises once more after being punched down; a floury Phoenix of simple sustenance.

A baby stands and falls. Again and again and again. Until one day, he doesn't. He walks, and never looks back.

A whale breaches the icy depths: her unique fluke and elephantine corpus, weights defying gravity for an ephemeral snatch of time.

You see these things, and you are forever changed.

Amidst all this beauty is unfathomable struggle: heartbreak, death, loss, pain. A body fails, a loved one dies too soon. Depression strikes, a marriage just can't be made to work.

Whole ecosystems vanish before our greedy onslaught. A tiny, obscure type of insect goes extinct, rivers dry, trees are felled, habitat is lost.

It’s all too much sometimes.

But I do believe that ultimately, if we are willing to feel and share, we’ll see that we’re more alike than we are different. That there is connective magic in our world’s beauty and hardship, and that we can come to see each other as participants in that.

I believe that willingness begins with encouraging children to explore their emotions and inner lives, validating their questions, and answering them honestly. Only if a child feels confident in having a rich, fluctuating interior, will he or she become an adult willing to grapple with nuance and shades of gray. A person able to understand that just because the word Syria is in ISIS, not all Syrians are part of or remotely support ISIS ideology. That because ISIS espouses one interpretation of Islam, that rendering is not the only understanding available or supported.

Indeed, I believe that children who are taught from an early age to question staunch interpretations of anything, including themselves and others’ opinions of them, will be those most likely to believe and appreciate that our differences are exciting and help all of us grow into more empathic and worldly adults.

Caring for others, ESPECIALLY those we don't know or whom we don’t seem to resemble, is what makes our world a community. We mustn't lose sight of that. We mustn't be bystanders. 

If you care for a child, then you should care for all children. If you care for fairness, then you should care for fairness dispensed in equal fashion regardless of color or language or creed.

When Americans comfort their own but then support the people -like HALF of our US governors, for example- who are refusing to allow refugees safe haven, they are acting with destructive, callous hypocrisy. Were not Marco Rubio’s and Bobby Jindal’s parents immigrants welcomed here? Were not some of our wealthy citizens once poor? Weren’t some of them first-generation college graduates who were offered support because they desired better?

Yes. And as Thanksgiving approaches, I hope to share with my kids a deep and abiding sense of gratitude. Which one can only truly feel if he is aware of what it means to suffer and struggle and want, desperately, for safety and more.

Give thanks and give back. Consider the world’s beauty and all who might not have access to it. How might you change that, in any way?