Tornado-like Tuesday

That's just the best "T" word I could conjure to describe the marathon that has been today thus far. It all started this morning, somewhere in the mid-5's when I heard Jack rustling about and then felt his breath warm on my face. I pretended to remain asleep but he actually gave my nose a gentle poke and asked permission to search for coloring pages on my computer. Assuming it was after 6:15 -his official you-may-now-wake-us time- I said sure. I couldn't quite get back to sleep so finally glanced over the my clock. 6:01a. Awful. I was not pleased. I must have then dozed for about 3 minutes, because the next thing I knew, Oliver was jumping around in the hall with a ginormous poopie diaper and wearing his red felt cowboy hat that kind of makes him look like an organ grinder monkey. Apparently, he had climbed out of his crib, gleefully donned has hat, left his room but not yet mustered the courage to enter our room. It still wasn't 6:15, and I felt pretty sure I was in for a longish day.

Jack was a sleep-deprived hellion this morning and within 30 minutes of getting out of bed, the zen I was feeling over the weekend was squashed like squirrel hit by a Mack truck. During this downward spiral, strawberry-lavender muffin making commenced, and really, that was the high point of the morning until a friend and I went to a party warehouse to get supplies for a faculty appreciation lunch. This was fun, but then it was over, and Ol and I trucked off to the market and then home to finish up the strawberry-rhubarb jam I started yesterday. It is beautiful but because I am still so unpracticed with my new camera, this picture is the pits. At least the jam itself tastes fantastically.

Speaking of my camera, session 1 (last night) of the photography class I'm taking was terrific. I definitely know what aperture, ISO and shutter speed are now, and that's a good start. I've diagnosed that my white balance is off but haven't a clue what to do about it. Hopefully that's a topic in class quite soon.

As I've successfully plowed through the enormous amounts of rhubarb and strawberries I  bought at Sunday's FM, I now turn to the gorgeous chard I also acquired. Fortunately, in my Mother's Day state-o'-peace, I had the presence of mind to wash and dry the chard. This will really help this evening when I know I'll just want to park it on the couch with a huge honking glass of calm. I'm thinking about a greens and leek pie in a cornmeal crust, but we'll see.

Funny story: I asked Jack what kind of party he wanted for his birthday - police, wild west, whatever. He said "Titanic." Can you imagine anything more depressing? I said, "Jack, we cannot have a party about a ship that sinks and lots of people die in freezing water because idiots didn't pack enough life boats."

Mother's Day, FM haul

I got to sleep until almost 9am!!!!! It is nearly impossible to articulate both the rarity and enormity of this gift. Coffee, homemade cards and love all around greeted me when I awoke, and I felt, and continue to feel, incredibly grateful. Then a dear friend, whom I see way too infrequently, and I got to go to the farmers market ALONE, putzing lazily, chatting deeply, able to make well-considered purchases rather than the usual harried ones due to one or more monkey-like children hanging from our legs or attempting to shimmy up the purveyor's tent poles, totally to their chagrin. Suffice it to say, this was a lovely morning. I'm soon going to make a strawberry-rhubarb pie with some of this gorgeous bounty. Mother's Day reminds me of New Year's Eve in some ways. There is a lot of external hullabaloo- "what are your plans? go out for brunch! a big family day in store? don't forget the card!"- surrounding the expectations of this DAY FOR (?) MOMS. But most moms I know simply want some time to rest, the chance to shift the multitude of parental responsibilities to someone else's shoulders, a few hours by themselves with a good book, a trashy magazine, a trip to the gym, whatever. In other words, time to not be a mom. For many of us, a day completely contrary to the other 364 per year sounds positively dreamy.

But that desire isn't really reflected in the Hallmarkian image of Mother's Day- one spent all together, well-behaved, perfectly content. This past week, as in previous years, mothers all around were quietly admitting our daydream of peaceful solitude to our nearest and dearest gal pals. By and large, this pretty consistently elicited giggles of understanding, responses of "me too!" I think the 'quiet admission' aspect is another example of the way mothers feel guilt for not quite matching the purported ideal of a endlessly patient, totally enthusiastic bottomless vessel of I-love-mommy'ness. I love my children with a primal ferociousness, but I am neither endlessly patient nor in possession of bottomless reserve.

Over the past few years, I've tried all manner of reconciling these feelings, but what I've realized is that you can simultaneously feel intensely in love with your children and with motherhood itself AND an acute, essential need to spend some time away from them. To acknowledge and respect the latter makes the former even more meaningful. By owning my real need to have time for myself and my interests, I am much more able to return to my boys, fully present and enthusiastic. To be the kind of mom I want to be.

Happy Mother's Day and thank you to all of you out there who are moms in any way. Maternalism makes the world go round.

Fleurs, za, Mother's Day came early

I had some quality time in the yard today. The flowers are resplendent in their springness, T mowed, and I weeded and cleaned out the veggie plot. On our pizza tonight were two kinds of kale, arugula, spinach and basil from the garden. I just love this prune-and-cook situation. Sometimes I even wonder if I could be an off-the-gridder, just farming and canning away, but I think that'd have to be a part-time life because it is true that I love the occasional shopping spree, pedicure and so forth. Aah! During dinner this evening, T floored me with an early Mother's Day (and combo anniversary; 8 years on 5/22!) gift: a new camera!!! I am starting what sounds like a pretty intense photography course on Monday, and as he and I have been wanting to upgrade for some time, he thought this a prudent purchase. Go husband! AND, I get to sleep in the basement tonight (read: I don't have to wake up at 5:45 with the youths). Wow!

The boys and I really had a good week though. When you're in the trenches (single-parenting), you just do it, go, power on. They are such marvelously darling and cool little kids; definite butt-heads sometimes but hilarious and loving and well-mannered, and as Mother's Day approaches, I must say that I am tremendously proud of them and proud to be their mother. I am so damn zen tonight.