Sticking to my word

OK, I did not opt to indulge in our cereal selection for dinner. Rather, I made a carrot-harissa salad I've been wanting to make for ages. Just look at this! Beautiful!  However, you are supposed to let it sit overnight, so I'll have to enjoy it tomorrow. As I sadly put it in the fridge, I saw an Arctic Char filet I'd forgotten I bought (a day or two ago, peeps; don't worry) so decided that I couldn't possibly NOT cook it as that would be wasteful. I set it up to pan sauté and in the meantime got the harissa back out to make a crème fraîche-harissa sauce. I planned to add some chopped Cara Cara oranges and Persian cucumbers to the dish but in a momentary lapse of judgment stirred them into the sauce instead of keeping them separate. Oh man. When atop the fish, it looked like a giant, lumpy, melted creamsicle had been barfed over my filet. Milky oranginess was everywhere, so I just closed my eyes and jumped in. Despite the hue and terrible lack of textural complexity, the flavor combo was OK, and it went nicely with the Muga Rosé I'm enjoying (sucking down). Also a chocolate hamantashen is thawing on the counter and will be so, so enthusiastically devoured by me in the not too distant future.

Have you heard of phantom limb, the sensation that a missing limb is still attached to the body? I feel there is a corollary that I call phantom baby crying. You are pretty sure (or have even gone in to verify) that your kid(s) are asleep, but no matter how much proof you have that they are, you remain certain that you hear them calling for you ceaselessly.

Oh.My.God.

Can you suffer PTSD from being talked at too much, for too long, without cease and when you're the only adult around? I'm starting to think it's definitely more than possible. The boys were up sooo early despite the spring forward business (nonsense) but just after Tom left; naturally. We played, built, demolished, ate their way through the farmers' market (seriously, the amount consumed was unprecedented), wailed, repeated things, gnashed teeth, ate more. It is days like this when A) I am reminded of the Sisyphean task single parents have and how much I admire those of them who do a good job, and B) I realize how it's impossible, or very nearly so, to accomplish much of anything more than just getting through. I don't remember what I had for lunch, I'm behind on work, I'm tired beyond words and it all begins again tomorrow. At least there's school. Once again, how do parents home-school their kids? I have less than NO interest in that. Thank god my darlings are relatively well-behaved! I'm hell bent on making a nice dinner for myself tonight although I'm nearly equally tempted to have a glass of wine and a bowl of cereal. But no, I will nourish myself in the ways I can before I crash into a deep slumber, my hopeful book beside me, to be ignored for another day. Sigh!

Monday, Monday, so gray today; hope; couplehood during parenthood

What a blah day. This is the recurring challenge of February and March: some days are glorious; the sun shines, you feel warm, the end of winter seems near, and then kabam, even though you knew not to get your hopes up, you knew those days were the exceptions rather than the rule, you wake up to a cold, gray shroud and a bit of snow sprinkling the gardens you knew you shouldn't sow but did. Each year, after I plant, exchange my winter and spring clothes, or get excited too early, I'm struck by the persistence and power of human hope. I mean, it's great, and wouldn't change it, but you might think I'd learn. Ah well, soon enough I guess. I am still not feeling quite well- guess this bug I got is as persistent as my hope- so am thankful the boys are at school right now. It feels so luxurious to take a shower at my own pace, to be able to think quietly, and accomplish tasks with my full attention devoted to them. That wellspring of hope encourages me to clean each day, putting away toys and clothes and books and piles of who knows what from the most recent endeavor J & O have undertaken- yesterday they "opened" The Sharpest Edge, a saw shop of some sort with two deliverables: they'll meet your sawing/trimming needs AND bust all myths related to saws (Jack and Tom are avid MythBusters watchers so that's where this offshoot comes from). Their business sign on our front door is a hoot. I'm not sure how many saw-related myths are out there waiting to be busted, but I have to admire their spirits and imaginations. I am sure that most of my cleaning will be for naught by 3p today but I'll enjoy relative organization in the meantime.

The recipes transfer is about 75% done. I hope y'all like and find it a bit more user-friendly. Feedback is always welcome! ~~~~

Lastly, I wanted to share with you an excerpt from a monthly newsletter I receive from Symbio, a terrific resource for families with young children. The founders, Noelle and Lele, are specialists in child development, sleep habits, and family psychology. I called on them for advice many times when O was little because the sleep-deprivation from which I suffered due to his waking at 4:30am every day ready to play and play some more was absolutely awful and unsustainable. They're based in San Francisco so I feel lucky that they offer this newsletter which is always comforting and full of good advice. This excerpt  is specific to the challenges to couplehood during the early years of parenthood; it certainly resonated with me and I thought it might do the same for many of you.

"We hear similar laments from many of our clients. Many others barely have time or energy in the midst the daily fray for wistful moments over the impact parenthood has had on their relationship with their partner. For most of the parents we work with, having children was a choice, not a foregone conclusion. They approached parenthood intentionally. Many had time in their pre-child lives to develop plans, hopes and goals for how they would fashion their family and nurture their children.

During the early years of this great endeavor, parents struggle to maintain and apply their vision of parenthood through sleepless nights, first steps, temper tantrums, and preschool applications. Keeping pace with the rapid changes of the first five years requires an extraordinary level of attention and energy; it's virtually impossible for parents to avoid taking some of that out of their own relationship.

In the best of situations, couples maintain intimacy by sharing the revelatory experience of becoming parents. They develop a new bond as they are, together, changed by supporting a new life. In the course of the day-to-day, they rely on some sort of implicit or explicit agreement that they will find each other in date nights, stolen moments and shared glances as they more or less divide and (on good days) conquer.

But this process is not always seamless. Even the most solid of partnerships is tested by the magnitude of change involved in the early years of family life. Commonly, couples find themselves making sacrifices and compromises they would not have anticipated. It's easy for new parents to feel as though they have lost touch with themselves, not to mention their partners. And even when a relationship is sound and healthy, it may not always feel so to one or both partners struggling with sleep deprivation and overwhelm." To read the rest, visit their website.