We never got to say goodbye. One day, he left. Angrily, violently, surprisingly, blindsidingly. There was confusion, worry, fear, rage, shock, numbness, open-heartedness, hope, hopelessness, willingess, shut down, tears, secrecy. And so many lies. But the hardest thing to reconcile is that we never got to say goodbye. We didn’t know it was goodbye. On so many levels. Gone. Ghosted. The kind of sudden absence that haunts your dreams, that wakes you up clutching your sheets, your hair, your t-shirt, trying to find purchase in reality. Anything real. Was any of it real? What even is real? Where is he? Where is she? What does any of it mean? And what is the meaning in that?
There is a cardinal, a male a husband an adult guy bird, who frequents my deck. He is resplendently cardinal red. Is that crimson? Or is it cardinal? I always thought of crimson as minimally maroon, but Harvard is the Crimson and all the merch is maroon even my diploma so I think crimson is actually a less vibrant red than I wish it were for its name. The word that connotes, denotes meaning. Crimson. Cardinal. But I guess when I think about the papacy which I don’t very often because I do not like organized religion and really have some deep and abiding concerns about Catholicism, amongst others, I think about cardinal red and how utterly magnificent the red that the Cardinals get to wear is. It pisses me off sometimes that so many fucking pedophiles and pedophile-adjacent-coveruppers-closeted men-just-go-be -gay proudly and openly please-the good amongst us love and support you-get to wear that utterly magnificent red that cardinal birds, the males of course, just grow into and pass on genetically.
Genetics is an interesting field. Biologically determined? Biologically destined? Nature. Nurture.
We never got to say goodbye, and I look back on years of nurture, nature, nurture, biology, choice, and I look at the cardinal on my deck and I love him. He is partnered, married, with a biologically female cardinal; those less vivid women with beaks like magnolia seeds, as if they put lipstick on to glow up a bit because brown is not the new- or old- and never-will-be cardinal red of their men. We have several cardinal pairs, but this man on my deck is my favorite because on his legs grow feathers that look like breeches or jodhpurs, I think of those as synonymous although they aren’t they connote denote different things. Anyway, this man cardinal has the most magnificent cardinal red capri pants that are not so dull as to just be cardinal red but also vibrant with lowlights and highlights and the point is that none of the other men have them and I wonder why he does. Biology? Genes? A mutation? A choice? Destiny? I don’t know but I feel daily that he is lucky and I am lucky that he likes Royal Canin cat food, subtype not important, and watches until Ruthie finishes eating never all she is too precious. So the mister approaches as she leaves and not long after but not always his lipsticked missus joins him, but she has no fun pants she’s pantsless which is maybe what she chooses to be but he is utter delight and looks rakish and rogue and just a bit street.
I suspect that he that she that they will leave one day and that I won’t get to say goodbye to them. I will be sad but it will not hurt like this not goodbye because probably some part of their genetic code is telling them to fly elsewhere. And maybe so is mine but why? That was not part of the bargain not on my bingo card and I am having some trouble adjusting.
Because when you should have a goodbye and you don’t get it, there’s a breach. And things go sideways and even though you try everything to reorient the north star isn’t north anymore or not quite so. And you sit and ponder crimson maroon cardinal and biology destiny choice nature nurture harm kindness and you wonder what you missed if you missed anything why how. And it can be hard. I love his pants so much and his nod of the head. Cardinals are supposed to denote connote visits from dead loved ones. But what if the dead loved one is my Nanny? She is a woman and red cardinal is a man does that work? And what if the loved one isn’t dead but just gone left missing migrated? Where does that leave the visited?
