When you teach your child to call you

As Oliver approaches the age of staying home alone for brief periods of time, I realized, yesterday, that I've not yet taught him how to call me should he need. He knows our numbers but was not versed on picking up the phone and using it properly.

He had no school yesterday and so we tackled tying shoes and making calls. 

A couple hours after mastering both, my cell phone rang. 


"Hello," said a vaguely disguised child's voice. "This is Officer Penis. There is a thief going around town stealing everything. Have you seen him?"

"No," I said, "But I'll keep my eyes open."

"Thank you!"

Shortly thereafter, my phone rang again.


"Hello. This is Major Asshole* calling. Are you on Spaceball 1?"

"I am not."


Shortly thereafter, my phone rang again.


"Hello," said the vaguely disguised child's voice. "This is Anus Poobanus 1. I have identified the thief as Silent and Swift Jack. He is wearing a black suit, that he stole, and a gray hat, a spy hat. He has brown hair. He goes into people's homes and steals everything and brings it all back to his lab and destroys it, or takes it for his own use, or analyzes it. Do you have any clues?"

"No, Anus Poobanus, I do not, but I will keep my eyes peeled."

"Why would you do that?"

"I mean open."

"OK, thank you."

This went on and on and on and culminated in our drawing a wanted poster for Silent and Swift Jack with this note: "If you see this man detain him for questioning and call Officer Anus Poobanus 1 at 1-800-Druidia."

I laughed all day but, as I prepped for my Dinner Club's arrival, ultimately forgot about Ol's antics.

Fast forward a few hours and my phone rings. Without thinking, I picked up and asked, "Anus Poobanus, is this you?"

"Um, what?"

"Oh, hi honey." It was actually Tom. The friend nearest me cracked up. I mean, who answers the phone with "Anus Poobanus, is this you?" and then it's NOT AP but one's spouse. 

When I told Oliver this story today, he fell out. Seriously, if he'd been driving, we'd have gone off the road. And then he told Jack and then laughed until they cried. 

My little one can now tie his shoes, make phone calls, AND reference movies within them. I'm proud.

*We are Spaceballs aficionados. If you don't know the Major Asshole scene, you should acquaint yourself with it!