"Today was the best day ever!" said no one ever whose husband is on Day Any # of a Man Cold.
I am not even kidding y'all. If all the men in the world got a cold on the same day, everything would seem so pitiful and half of everything would quit or wilt or die, and there would be so much drama and blowing of noses, snoring and moaning, unending hours on the couch and in bed, utter incapability of doing anything helpful, and then miraculously, because IT'S A COLD, everything would soon get better and the wonder of it all would be amazing. And then a woman would get a cold and it'd be like "Um, keep going!"
People, listen. Colds suck. They can make you feel truly awful. Having had a cold for five days last week, I can fully attest to this. And yet, I persevered. I got a nosebleed on the way to a school meeting and felt thankful that my dress's pattern was just busy enough to obscure the dropletty stain. I went to my exercise classes and made dinner every night and kept the house tidy.
Life went -gasp!- on.
While on the way to the market this afternoon, I said, "Jack my love, I have an important life lesson I would like to teach you."
"Jack, do you know how when people say Male Refrigerator Blindness everyone gets it? Like, they all understand and know?"
"Ok, well similarly, there is a thing called Man Cold. It's where a man gets a cold and acts as if he is dying and is very dramatic and becomes incapable of doing anything except moaning and playing Candy Crush while fully horizontal on a couch. Long story short, Jack, it is not an attractive thing."
"Hmm. Does Dad have Man Cold right now?"
"Yes, Jack, he does. And let me tell you, with all the love in my heart, that so far in your life, you are well on the Man Cold path. The last mouth ulcer you had? It sounded for five days as if you were actively having your skin pulled off by chihuahuas. It was really pretty irritating. I mean, I understand that ulcers suck, but seriously.
If you can, on the contrary, act with forbearance, you will be even more amazing than you already are. You will be so surprising and appealing."
I swear to G that if I manage to raise my children to NOT demonstrate Man Cold behavior, I will have done some effing stellar parenting and should likely be awarded some sort of Peace Prize. Legit, I think that.
Thank the lord tomorrow is Monday. Bye-bye family!